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Utah Judgement Recovery Services

How To Heal Your Marriage After A Big Fight


Battle lines were drawn and both sides drew fire. Now the war is over and you both feel exhausted, vulnerable and disconnected.
There is a way to reconnect to the one you love. The steps below will help you to move forward into an even stronger union.
     1.  Take A Time Out   It is very important that you not only take a moment to be apart from your spouse but that you use that time wisely. Use the time to gain composure, nurture yourself and finally to gain some perspective on what went wrong.
You may be able to accompolish this by taking a bath, going for a walk, working in your garden or writing in a journal.
It is very important that you do whatever it takes to heal and calm yourself so that you can think logically about the situation from as objective a point of view as you can muster under the circumstances.
Be certain that you don't skip this first step. It is vital that you do not attempt to move forward until you feel balanced and solid. Your focus should be to gain compusure if needed and to be emotionally objective regarding your recent dispute versus the feeling of being emotionally attached.
Once you have gained some rest and time to reflect, you should be able to think more objectively. It is fine if you still feel that injustice was done but if you are still finding yourself needing to vent about your spouse's vices, then your not ready to do the next step. 
This also applies to any thoughts of being a victim. It is important that you get clear yourself of emotional attachement. I am not saying that you can't still feel angry or sad , what I am saying is that you must be able to separate the feelings from the thoughts.
Once your feeling more yourself then your ready to do the next step.
     2.  Open Your Heart To Forgiveness   You probably knew I would be bringing this up at some point. Well, your right. A marriage without forgiveness is like, employment without the paycheck.
We all make mistakes from time to time, okay, so we make major mistakes, disasters.  The keyword here, is "we".  None of us are exempt from messing up.
This is cliche, but we really do hurt the ones we love the most.
Forgiveness works both ways. Not only do you need to forgive your spouse but you need to forgive yourself. After all, it takes two to tangle.
We know that forgiveness is essential but that does not mean it is simple. The first step in forgiving someone is letting go of any resentment or guilt you may be feeling. After completing the above step you may find that this has been done.
The next step is to open up your heart. After all, you married this person. You may be finding it challenging wondering why but trust me you had your reasons.
Spend some time daydreaming about the day you met, about your wedding and all the great times you shared. Grab your photo album, go sit on your back porch and pour over the memories. 
Another great way to get those warm fuzzy feelings back is to listen to your favorite love songs, sexy music or watch a romantic movie even read a steamy novel.
I think you may be getting the idea here.  The point is you want to bring back that feeling of love that you have towards your spouse.
     3.  Apologize While it is a good idea to apologize, I am not talking here about  a simple "I am sorry". That may work fine for mild disagreements but after a major blowout you will want to come across as sincere and loving.
Take a few moments to think of how you can show your partner that you love them too much to let anything stand in the way of your relationship and that your willing to put every effort into moving forward on your journey together.
Remind yourself that life is too short. What words would you wish you had said to the one you love if you woke up one morning and they were gone?
Then use your thoughts to motivate you in finding a way to apologize.  This may be done over your love's favorite meal . If your husband loves rice krispie treats, you could make up a batch and us a frosting tool to pen a red heart. Maybe your wife loves roses , you could buy her a new rose bush to plant in your front yard.
Be creative and avoid a cookie-cutter approach. You will find a little thought and love will go a long ways.
     4.  Keep The Flame Alive   Hopefully by now, the two of you are reunited. Although it is unlikely that you will always see each other's point of view, there are ways that you can create an even stronger bond.
Think of simple things that you can do to go the extra mile. It will confirm your love of each other. For example, if your husband goes out of town to work on your inlaws cabin and wants you to come along, instead of staying home to catch up on housework as you have done in the past, you could pack up the kids, pack a picnic basket and spend a day in the country.
Try to make an effort to spend quality time alone with each other , even if your romantic evening staying home and having a meal together after the kids are in bed.
A few last words, please keep in mind that rebuilding after a fight is a process and takes a bit of time. During the recovery period, be easy on yourself and your spouse. Be sure to always be civil, put forward a positive additude and keep a smile on your face. I guarantee it will make a big difference.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that you want to be very careful who you vent to. You may say things about your feeling or in regard to your partner that you will later regret. Although it is a good idea to vent you may want to try it out  in a journal or in prayer before telling a friend or family member. This will give you additional time to asorb the situation and gain proper perspective.
If you feel that you simply have to talk to another person as part of your healing process then please choose your confident carefully.
The above steps may sound simple enough and yet be hard to put into practice  but if you are able to follow them you will grow even closer to the person you married.